3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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