There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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