I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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