And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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