i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
