tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
