I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
