There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I love having hate sex.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
