But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
