I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize