The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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