I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
