Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize