Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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