I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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