The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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