If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
