Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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