I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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