forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
