I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
