I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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