Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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