people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
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I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
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A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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