your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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