When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
