Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
