Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
