I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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