I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
