You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
