Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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