This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
