Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
