I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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