I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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