I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize