I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
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