he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
