it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
