I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
