No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Randomize
