so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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