i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
