Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
