I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
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He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
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i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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