morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize