Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
