we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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