She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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