I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
