I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
