I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
