YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
